


where it wasn't supposed to be (I found love)

by shadowquill17



Category: Glue (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, James deals with Cal's death, James-centric, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 12:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14425362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowquill17/pseuds/shadowquill17
Summary: James deals with his feelings about Cal's death... at his own pace.





	where it wasn't supposed to be (I found love)

**Author's Note:**

> This is not new, it's actually an old work, but I deleted it from my other account, so I'm reposting it here. Enjoy!
> 
> (The title is from the Amber Run song "I found", because there's a gorgeous James/Cal video on YouTube with that song, and also I'm obsessed with it.)

You don't cry.

You don't cry and it's weird, you think, to want to unleash that anguish you feel in your throat but to find your eyes dry; to want to free yourself of some of that pain only to find it stubbornly buried inside your body, locked up tight and secret.

Days have passed since you found Cal's cold body under the wheels of your tractor, and you can feel your mind slowly drifting off, your head getting slower and darker.

You keep forgetting that he's gone now, you keep having these passing thoughts of telling him about your day, about that sleek fox you sometimes see in the bushes down the road, about the noise that veal's neck made in the grip of your hands, about everything and anything, like you used to when you two met in the woods to fumble through passionate kisses and heated embraces; but then you remember, and it hits you, hard and unforgiving and it steals your breath away, it hits you that he'll never know all that, that you'll never get to tell him anything, ever again; and that leaves you with a hollow ache beneath your ribs, a cold empty space that makes you want to claw at your own chest to cut it open and try to fill it again, with anything, please, _please_.

They don't know, all of the others, they don't know why you would be more upset than them, so you try to keep it quiet, to keep it secret, and it's surprisingly easy. No one asks you if you're okay, no one comes to offer you comfort, because why would they? You were always careful not to seem too close to Cal around the others, and even now you're just the one who found him... but you're too weak, and you feel so lost! You almost let your guard down at Rob's, and he looks at you like you've gone mad, when sobs block your throat around words you can't say, and who could blame him, simple, selfish Rob ? You never told him how Cal would kiss you sometimes in the fields, _hardfastnow_ , how he would ignite your blood with a single touch of his palm on your arm, how he would make you want to scream and laugh and live, all with him, _always with him_.

You dream about him, of course. About the pale skin of his neck under your hands, the tender press of his mouth against yours, the perfect fit between your two bodies, but then when you wake up you're cold, and alone; you take a deep breath, one more he's never gonna take, but you still don't cry.

You just keep walking.

(But then Rob drugs you.) 

And you hate it, you hate feeling so lost and confused and vulnerable, and you hate Rob for putting you through this… but then _he_ 's there, Cal, all blue-eyed and summer-sweet like you remember, and you forget to be angry.

You get to touch him, feel his flesh under your fingertips, the feel of his hand as it grips the collar of your shirt, and he's just like in your dreams, golden and soft and everything you've ever wanted, and he kisses you like you were never separated.

But afterwards, after those beautiful stolen moments of seeing him again, of feeling his weight against your chest, his breath over your lips, you find the contract, and you sit, and you’re frozen, lost.

Because he loved you after all.

And when you're guided to the police car like the killer you never were, large callused hands that were always so careful on his skin held roughly behind your back, you can only think

 _This is it_.

This is what he came back for, this is the reason you were gifted with those precious minutes in the woods with your lost love; it was all just to give you that contract, to tell you one last time that he loved you, to make you _believe_ , and now he's done, now he's _gone_.

And you let go.

(And you cry.)

 


End file.
